I'm looking at a copy of a book which is more than a book. It used to belong to E and, when she decided she didn't want it anymore, she gave it to me. It's about 400 pages long and a large style paperback but one of those really dense ones, a book with some literal - as well as metaphorical - weight. But it's more than just a book; it means something. I'm looking at a copy of a book which is, actually, a symbol.
Lots of things in our lives are symbolic; this one is symbolic of the difference between the person I am and the person I would like to be. To explain that, perhaps I should tell you that the book is called The Chomsky Reader: edited by James Peck, it's a collection of some of Noam Chomsky's published and unpublished essays and as soon as I found that E was getting rid of it, I wanted it.
Not just because it looks lovely - it's a cliché but true that physical books have a beauty that e-books will never have - but because of what it would look like on my bookshelf. It's got Chomsky written in bold font on the spine and it really stands out. Anyone who knew what they were looking for would see it and be impressed. Hey, they would think to themselves - this guy reads Chomsky.
The trouble is, this guy doesn't. I mean, I want to - I think. By which I probably mean I might like to but I've picked the book up and put it down a dozen times without ever having actually read any of it. It's probably really interesting and would more than likely be what used to be called an improving read; it's just that I... well, I really can't be bothered. Whenever I flick through it my eye is caught by phrases like "the secular priesthood" and "the responsibility of intellectuals" and "objectivity and liberal scholarship" and I feel like a little part of me dies. There always seems to be something better to read. By which I probably mean something easier and, frankly, more entertaining.
And that's why it's symbolic. When I acquired it, I probably did have the sincere belief that I'd read it and perhaps one day I will. But really, subconsciously, I think I probably got it as window-dressing. It's a prop - a symbol of who I'd like to be: a guy smart enough to read Chomsky. Of course, it isn't just that: it's also a symbol of who I am - a guy who sometimes acquires things because of what it might say about him to other people.
I'm not going to be hard on myself for that - we all do it, even you. We choose one brand of phone over another, one type of car over another, wear clothes of one particular style over another because this is part of the way in which we present ourselves to the world. It's just a part of life. So there the book sits, unread but not unloved. Waiting for the day when I decide that I'll change from being the type of guy who owns books by Noam Chomsky to the type of guy who actually reads them. Until that day, it's a lovely prop but don't let it fool you.
*the title doesn't really mean anything but when I thought of it, it made me chuckle so I thought I'd share it.
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