So, my first fully day in Hong Kong and I spent most of the day walking. H&M, the friends with whom I'm staying, have moved to Happy Valley, just by the race-course, and this is my first visit to their new home. So, having only an appointment with my HK accountants scheduled for the day, I thought I'd have a bit of a wander, to try to get my bearings.
I should have known better, really. Walking in HK is a bit like me trying to get a date - sounds good in theory, it’s an interesting challenge in practice; you start off thinking you’re going to get somewhere but ultimately it’s all quite frustrating and never goes the way you planned it. There are three main reasons for this:
Firstly: population density. Think of a lot of people in a small space. Then double the number of people, halve the space and you're close to imagining walking in HK. so that means that walking anywhere is a problem because there are a lot of other people doing it at the same time and, at any given point, 50% of them aren’t looking where they’re going because they’re texting or reading emails on their mobiles phones. The sheer quantity of people poses a particular problem when you are, like me, a gweilo. Gweilo is Cantonese slang for foreigner and means “ghost.” I can only assume that locals have taken this literally and believe they will magically pass through me, rather than bothering to make the effort to go around.
Not that going around is all that easy, given the state of the pavements, which brings me to the second factor: HK pavements aren't designed for walking on. No, they're there to sell things from, to protest on, to push pavement-wide trollies piled precariously high with boxes along and as storage space for your building materials, scaffolding, parcels for delivery and so on. And while some people may look slim believe me, they are the widest people in the world when you want to get past them.
The third factor is that the people who plan design the city (assuming there are such people - I'm not convinced that it doesn't just grow randomly in the night) clearly don't like pavements. Which might explain why there are so many overhead walkways, connecting buildings and shopping arcades. With a bit of effort it would probably be possible to walk from one side of the city to the other without actually touching the ground. Which, I find, makes getting lost really easy, because one branch of Armani looks much the same as the next to me!
I must confess, however, that there is a fourth obstacle: HK contains approximately two stunningly attractive women per square meter, on average, so I was frequently disoriented after being distracted by some heart-stoppingly beautiful woman or other. This, I can assure you solemnly, has no bearing on my desire to live here, by the way. None at all. However, it didn’t make walking any easier.
My plan, such as it was, was stroll down to the accountants, sign a ton of forms, catch the tram back. Simple. Two hundred yards out of the apartment building and I realised I had no map. No matter; I have my iPhone. Three hundred yards out of the apartment building and I realised that roaming charges would bankrupt me if I tried to use Google Maps. Too far (or too lazy, take your pick) to walk back, I bravely walked on, thinking with the over-confidence born of ignorance, “how hard can it be?”
It took me a while (about three hours, give or take) but I found it and met my accountant, Doris. I’m sorry to (a) any accountants reading this and (b) anyone called Doris reading this. My accountant Doris (who I’ll refer to as MAD, because it’s easier) looks like neither any accountant or any Doris I have ever known or imagined. God alone knows what I signed (and whatever it was I signed it about a dozen times) but I would happily have transferred all my worldly goods to her - I may quite possibly have already done so, come to think of it. She was very friendly; would it be creepy to see if she wants to go for a drink?
Anyway, the plan for getting back was cunning. Stroll a bit, hop on a tram for a longer bit, hop off the tram and then - because I had no idea where the apartment building actually is in comparison with everything else - get a taxi for the last leg. Perfect.
Did the strolling (possibly on air, having spent time with MAD) and then got a tram. HK trams are seriously great. If you come here, ride the tram, they’re terrific. It costs about 20p to go as far as you like, they’re so old-fashioned as to be positively antediluvian and trundle along at about 5 miles an hour. They’re fairly narrow and have this great way of working, which is that you get on at the back and then slowly work your way to the front (not easy, as trams are usually rammed with people) in time for your stop. Pay for your ticket (you pay when you leave the tram, not when you get on), hop off the tram and the job’s a good ‘un.
But, I didn’t know what stop I wanted, so I decided to take pot-luck: I rode the tram until the tide of passengers pushed me to the front, hopped off and set about looking for a cab. Slightly bad timing because the schools had just kicked out, turning the pavements into a sea of sailor uniforms (yes, they really do that, it’s not just a fetish) and empty cabs were few and far between. No matter, I confidently reassured myself, one will turn up eventually. And, eventually, one did although he turned up just long enough to kick a bloody great hole through my plan by refusing to take me where I wanted to go; just a flat “no” a wave of the hand and then he was away, leaving me lost by the side of the road.
I don’t know why he refused: I assume that it’s like some London cabbies, not wanting to go south of the river; perhaps he didn’t want a gweilo in his cab. Whatever the reason, I gave up on the cab idea and decided to walk. It’s a relatively small city, I thought - I’ll find the place soon enough. Long (very) story short, I made it back eventually although, looking at the map now, I went the long (very) way round. All in all, a perfect day. Now where did I put MAD’s business card..?
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