Some slightly more mature reflection

It would have been convenient, that's for sure. Having a guaranteed income, courtesy of a regular job, would have made the move to HK a much less scary prospect. Not having it - only having the offer of associate work - makes the whole prospect that much more insecure. I'd be giving up a fairly secure associate income in the UK - together with everything else I have in the UK - for an uncertain income in a foreign country, working with groups that might not respond or even understand my style at all.

But that's not all of it. The kicker is, this is the second time that I've been rejected by a company that has said, effectively, we'll let you work as a trainer for us, but we don't believe you have to credibility to do anything more. It's the same trap that I've been caught in, really, since I first started training - I'm a capering monkey; okay for amusement but incapable of anything more.

I like training, I really do; I like being in the room and working with groups. But I don't want to do it forever. This job offered the possibility of doing more and I believe I'm capable of more. Sadly, at the moment, I seem to be the only one that shares that belief.

Earlier this evening, I was down at Sydney harbour. The bridge, the Opera House, the lights coming on as the sun went down - it was magical. And while it was lovely to be there with kind and dear friends, it struck me that I really wanted someone special to share it with. And that person isn't here and there's no sign of them arriving.

I know I'm lucky - I have my health, I have friends, I have my family... but there's so much about my life at the moment that leaves me feeling unhappy, empty and hopeless. As much as I tried not to, I pinned a lot of hopes on this job - I'm pinning an awful lot of hopes on a move to HK: when I move to HK I can make new friends, spend more time with old friends, less time alone, meet someone, be happy...

Plan A has fallen through; Plan B relies on being granted a visa and then taking what feels like a huge gamble. And I'm not a very good gambler. Twice now, people have said I'm not good enough to do more than just perform at the front of the room. Perhaps they're right. A dozen women have said I'm not good enough to stay with. Perhaps they're right, too.